Our family has been put on a 6 month "hold"... meaning, we can't do anything about our adoption for six whole months. We could leave our agency and go somewhere else, but both Jason and I felt we should come under their authority.
Though we have chosen to obey God and come under "un-named" agencies authority, we also felt like we could still LOOK for our next two daughters. Not sure if that was God... I am sure it probably wasn't; but, I really didn't want to miss my daughters if they became available... even while on "hold".
A couple weeks later, someone (unknown to me) had emailed me baby #3's Chinese name. I now had EVERYTHING I needed to get Jessica off the Shared List. Remarkably, her file was still sitting at the CCCWAA. It arrived there back in September, so this was surprising to me that she was still not on the Shared List.
Had I had an advocate, I believe that someone could have gone searching for Jessica's file. But now, I had NO advocate under our current situation for at least 6 months... unless we switched agencies.
I can't even begin to tell you how hard this was staying with our current agency and coming under their authority when now all we do is cringe when we think of them. But as sure as I was that I had heard the Holy Spirit say that we would be with Wasatch, I was also sure that the Holy Spirit had told me (actually us) to come under the authority of this agency.
I so wanted to switch agencies and bring home my two daughters before 2011. I was absolutely devastated. My heart breaks to this day for Jessica. I love her as much as I love my girls living in our home. I often wonder if we had gone with Wasatch back when the Lord revealed their agency to me, would Jessica be in my arms soon?
There were two reasons we didn't move to the new agency though... one, we had not found Amaris; and two, how does one REALLY know they heard from the Lord until it actually comes to pass? Hearing the Holy Spirit isn't a new thing to me, but at times I have doubted what I have felt I have heard. I suppose as my faith grows, I will be more sure of His voice in the coming years.
I KNOW that God will reveal Amaris to me in a miraculous way,
What can I do? This decision to come under the "un-named" agencies authority would mean we were no longer able to receive the $26,000 in tax credit money for our 2011 adoptions. While the tax credit wasn't the motivator factor to bring two babies home, that is a large chunk of money... it could have helped pay for colleges, a new car, therapies, upcoming surgeries or even re-pay us for these adoptions. UGH!
All I could think, is this. I trust God with all my heart. My prayer has always been that I will hear His voice. I KNOW I heard his voice about Wasatch, I KNOW I heard his voice about coming under this agencies authority... and, I know something good will come out of my obedience, but what? When?
Jason and I were beyond frustrated... and, deep inside we KNEW this wasn't supposed to be our agency... God had clearly shown us that just a few weeks earlier. I wish we knew right now WHY we should come under this agencies authority. What is it God? And, when will this all make sense?
