November 1st... a year ago today... will be forever etched in my mind. For this day, changed our lives forever. I had to make a choice... My way... or, God's way. I chose the later.
The shared list had just come out... and we were STILL looking for our third daughter.
The Lord gave us Amaris in June 2011, but we still did not have "our gift" that was promised us in May or June 2009.
In the thousands of photos I had now seen since May 2009, I had only come across a handful of files of little girls that both Jason and I would consider adopting... but, today, there would be THREE: Xiao Lingrui (chosen specifically for our family, but within hours I learned another family that was sponsoring her care was looking for her file and desperately wanted her, so we gave her to them), Yang Tu Xing, and Mu Rong Yi Lan.
I remember very vividly as the files started coming through that night. My heart wanted to bring all three girls home... they were just stunning! I read their files, researched their special needs, researched their names, their locations, their locations in relation to Gabriella, Amaris, and Xian (the Starfish babies). I emailed our neurologists and cardiologists at Children's Hospital. I seemed to do everything but pray.
All the while I was doing the above, I was also emailing Kathy of Wasatch back and forth... I think we emailed until after midnight her time.
As I departed my computer that night, my heart was leaning towards Mu Rong... in fact, I decided to just sit in the bath and pray about my decision. A part of her name meant "gift", but she was so far away from where we would be traveling when returning to China. We would have to take a train (one way) for 20 hours... what was I going to do?
I began to cry out to God... literally. I was so confused and now so desperately wanted Mu Rong. I had already fallen in love with her just as much as my two daughters and Amaris who would be in our arms in just a few months.
But, when I sat in the bath about 1:30 AM... my eyes so, so tired... I heard the Lord say, "Be still and know that I am God."
I didn't want to be still... I will be honest. I started negotiating with God. I thanked him for Amaris but, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY also wanted to bring home Mu Rong.
If you have read ANY of our blogs for any of our girls though, you have probably realized that I have learned that it can't be about MY will... I desperately want to be in the Lord's will. And so I chose just that. I have cried my eyes out maybe 100 times since then... maybe more... knowing Mu Rong has a family, but not yet connecting with them and seeing how she is doing and knowing that she is okay. It is indeed been confirmed that she is in the "matched" folder though of one of the largest yahoo groups for adoption and I know she was placed through AAC.
In the morning when I awoke, I had responses from all 4 of the doctors. My heart still longed for Mu Rong, but I released her file and the file of the other girls to other families. Mu Rong had MULTIPLE families in line for her but 3 other families that desperately wanted her. Her file ended up going to a family outside of our agency because our agency held on to the file for me until I was absolutely sure we could not proceed with her.
These stories are all captured in detail in November 2011 in Annabella's blog: http://sweetprincessannabella.blogspot.com/ We were looking for our little Annabella and so wrote about our journey to her in her blog. Later in November 2011, we would have an actual image in our mind of who WE thought our little Annabella was. But, in August 2012, as are paperwork was getting ready to be authenticated through the Chinese Consulate, we learned that whom we thought was Annabella... "our gift" was adopted to a local Chinese family.
My eyes hurt pondering my day a year ago. My heart hurts a bit too. But, I KNOW that God has a plan for our family.
We are currently in process to bring home two specific girls from China.
To think that in a few days or perhaps a few months, we will know who God actually intended for us to have all along, is exciting to think about. Will we just bring one girl home or will there be two? Will they be the ones we feel God has already put on our heart or will they be someone else?
What a day of rejoicing it will be... when we finally know!
For My
thoughts are not your thoughts,
nor are
your ways My ways, says the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are
my ways higher than your ways,
and My
thoughts than our thoughts.
Isaiah
55:8&9
