Still looking for our daughters

We released Giselle back to China three months into our hold time with our current agency.

Just three more months until my "blessing".

Every day, I still look for our daughters... I know that if I find them, the Holy Spirit will probably show me them in some way... but, not one litte girl grabbed my heart until the end of May.

Ironically, Wasatch got several girls that we would have been happy to bring home; however, I was careful to wait until June.

I wasn't just looking at Wasatch's girls, I was looking at them all... Love Without Boundaries, Grace and Hope for Children, New Day, and all the agencies in America that posted photos. I wanted to be open to whichever agency had Amaris, daughter #2, our promised daughter of 18 years.

The Morning After

The next morning, I awoke and called Kathy with Wasatch. I knew I could have emailed her, texted her, left a message at her home, or called her on her cell phone to talk with her. This time I felt we needed to talk on the phone.

I explained everything to Kathy... I was absolutely devastated, but I knew that I knew that I knew that the Holy Spirit had very clearly instructed me and I knew I had to obey Him if I wanted to fall under His blessing... and receive the blessing He spoke of.

It was very hard... I was very emotional. But, I knew what I had just done was the right thing to do.

I prayed over Giselle's file and her little life. Someday I hope to know who her family ends up being.

Kathy was so very gracious. I followed our call up with an email that I had been writing in my head all night.

The Holy Spirit said... LOUD and CLEAR!

Upon arriving to Las Vegas, we unpacked our bags at The Mandalay Bay, showered and got ready for bed.

It was about midnight now... and the Holy Spirit started talking to me.

He said, "You can have Giselle, but your blessing is in June." Over and over I heard it until I finally surrendered to Him.

You can imagine my heart... broken. I was so very sad. I wept thinking that I had to give up this precious little girl... another girl. I hadn't fallen in love with her, but, I would have been honored to be her forever mama. Would she ever get the chance to have a forever mama if I gave her file back? I could only pray that she does.

I agreed to call Kathy in the morning... I didn't want to give up Giselle but I KNEW the Holy Spirit had spoken to me very clearly.

One thing is for sure, when the Holy Spirit speaks, I listen. My prayer, for many, many years has always been that I will hear His voice and respond appropriately. I wasn't about to give up on HIS blessing just to do what I thought was best at the time.

I didn't know what the "blessing" in June was, but I knew it had to be pretty good if I was giving up Giselle.

Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep tonight.

We found a "new" daughter #3

Every single day since the summer of 2009, I have looked for daughters #2 and #3... I have literally seen thousands of photos of kids, I have requested multiple files, but never once had I had that supernaturally feeling or confirmation from God that "she" was the one.

I never believed I needed that confirmation with daughter #3, but I knew that God would supernaturally show me daughter #2... our promised daughter... the one we have waited now 18 years for.

So, when looking for our NEW daughter #3, I was always open to one ages 0-14... and, when Giselle's file came available March 26, 2011, Jason and I agreed we would be happy to bring her into our family. Ironically, she was from Wasatch, the agency I felt God had called us to back in December.

It ended up being a busy Saturday getting evaluations from doctors, writing our LOI (Letter of Intent) for Giselle, and packing to go see Gabriella's Chinese foster sister vacationing on holiday in Las Vegas.

Jason and I were excited to bring Giselle into our family. But, her file had to first go back to China and be re-locked for us. So it did. The next day, after Gabriella and I landed in Las Vegas, I found out we had locked her file.

It was such an exciting day.

BUT...

Jessica Was Placed in the Arms of Another Mama

I had everything to get Jessica's file, but, I needed our agency to help us. They would not.

Jessica's file never did make it on the Shared List. In February 2011, a family arrived in China to adopt their child, but chose to disrupt that adoption. Sweet little Jessica was given to this family instead. She lives in Spain now.

My heart is devastated. I don't know how people love someone so much and then have to let them go... even if the child was never in their arms. I loved little Jessica as much as my daughters Tyanna and Gabriella.

I trust you God. You know our daughters that are waiting for us in China.

Coming Under the Authority of Our Agency

Our family has been put on a 6 month "hold"... meaning, we can't do anything about our adoption for six whole months. We could leave our agency and go somewhere else, but both Jason and I felt we should come under their authority.

Though we have chosen to obey God and come under "un-named" agencies authority, we also felt like we could still LOOK for our next two daughters. Not sure if that was God... I am sure it probably wasn't; but, I really didn't want to miss my daughters if they became available... even while on "hold".

A couple weeks later, someone (unknown to me) had emailed me baby #3's Chinese name. I now had EVERYTHING I needed to get Jessica off the Shared List. Remarkably, her file was still sitting at the CCCWAA. It arrived there back in September, so this was surprising to me that she was still not on the Shared List.

Had I had an advocate, I believe that someone could have gone searching for Jessica's file. But now, I had NO advocate under our current situation for at least 6 months... unless we switched agencies.

I can't even begin to tell you how hard this was staying with our current agency and coming under their authority when now all we do is cringe when we think of them. But as sure as I was that I had heard the Holy Spirit say that we would be with Wasatch, I was also sure that the Holy Spirit had told me (actually us) to come under the authority of this agency.

I so wanted to switch agencies and bring home my two daughters before 2011. I was absolutely devastated. My heart breaks to this day for Jessica. I love her as much as I love my girls living in our home. I often wonder if we had gone with Wasatch back when the Lord revealed their agency to me, would Jessica be in my arms soon?

There were two reasons we didn't move to the new agency though... one, we had not found Amaris; and two, how does one REALLY know they heard from the Lord until it actually comes to pass? Hearing the Holy Spirit isn't a new thing to me, but at times I have doubted what I have felt I have heard. I suppose as my faith grows, I will be more sure of His voice in the coming years.

I KNOW that God will reveal Amaris to me in a miraculous way,

What can I do? This decision to come under the "un-named" agencies authority would mean we were no longer able to receive the $26,000 in tax credit money for our 2011 adoptions. While the tax credit wasn't the motivator factor to bring two babies home, that is a large chunk of money... it could have helped pay for colleges, a new car, therapies, upcoming surgeries or even re-pay us for these adoptions. UGH!

All I could think, is this. I trust God with all my heart. My prayer has always been that I will hear His voice. I KNOW I heard his voice about Wasatch, I KNOW I heard his voice about coming under this agencies authority... and, I know something good will come out of my obedience, but what? When?

Jason and I were beyond frustrated... and, deep inside we KNEW this wasn't supposed to be our agency... God had clearly shown us that just a few weeks earlier. I wish we knew right now WHY we should come under this agencies authority. What is it God? And, when will this all make sense?

The Homestudy from Hell!

Six weeks and one day after we started our paperwork for adoption #2 and #3, our social worker FINALLY came to our home to do our home study.

Because there is so much heart break with this situation, I will just leave it at that.

When she came in, we had asked her if she had read our emails over the last 6 months... she said she had not. We knew this visit couldn't possibly be good.

She had no idea that we had already found baby #3: Jessica. She had no idea that I was already in love with this little one from Xi'an. She had no idea, because she hadn't bothered to read my emails.

While we had waited SIX WEEKS AND A DAY for our social worker to arrive, we did not hear from her for another EIGHTEEN MORE DAYS. Someone needs a new career.

Long story short, our agency made a three-way call to us... Jason was at work, I was at home. We were excited for the call because we were sure they had found Jessica's file... but, that wouldn't be the case. In fact, they actually called us to tell us they were putting our ADOPTIONS ON HOLD for SIX MONTHS.

This news was not only devastating, it was EXTREMELY frustrating. We were furious. This was perhaps the first time in our almost twenty years of marriage that we had together felt this way about something.

Why in the world would OUR FAMILY be put on hold?

We knew we were ready in every way despite all the changes from the last six months. We also knew, that these adoptions wouldn't be taking place for another 12 months minimum.

Interestingly though, the Holy Spirit spoke to both of our hearts. He spoke identical words. So, we KNEW it was from the Lord. And though, in the natural we wanted to leave this agency even more then ever, we chose to obey the Holy Spirit. He said, "Come under (un-named agencies) authority."

We agreed to do this. Our adoption paperwork is now on hold for the next six months.

I Found Baby #3

I found baby #3. Yes, I did say baby #3... we have yet to find Amaris, baby #2, but I believe that God is going to show me my promised baby in a supernatural way. What an exciting day that will be. I have waited for Amaris( Uh-mare-is). We chose this Hebrew name because it means "God has promised." I will share this story in another post.

As for baby #3, her name is Jessica. I have spent over 100 hours researching information on her, her special need (heart condition), and everyone that may have visited her in Xi'an.

I found her the week of her 2nd birthday. Within days, I knew everything about her with the help of a Facebook friend, and people who were friends of friends. Yep, I contacted everyone that had visited her foster home. I had multiple pictures of her and had already fallen deeply in love with her. I already loved Jessica as much as my 16 and almost 4 year old daughters.

The only thing I couldn't seem to get, no matter what I tried, was her Chinese name. But, I really didn't need it, I was sure I had her file photo... and, with the information I had, I was 100% sure someone could find her at the CCCWA.

I shared this information with our current agency and social worker, but our agency wanted me to wait until our social worker arrived to our home. It should be just another week or so. Oh, it seems like FOREVER!

We Chose our Agency, but God Chose a Different One

Thanksgiving Day 2010

While I had 3 agencies in mind for our next two adoptions, I really had no sense from the Lord where He was directing us.

Would we go with our agency that helped us bring Gabriella home? Would we go with Madison which is one of the only agencies right now helping families to bring two children home at a time, or would we go with a smaller agency that I had built a great relationship with over the last 3 months.

Because there were no feelings any way, we decided to go with the familiar, an agency that we had worked with in the past. On Thanksgiving Day, we started our paperwork for adoptions #2 and #3.

Within 3 weeks working with this agency, nothing seemed to be going right and a feeling of anxiousness was coming over both of us... not about the adoptions, but about our choice in our agency.

But, even if that hadn't happened, I was already getting the sense that God was clearly directing me to a totally different agency, even different from the three I had placed in my mind as logical choices.

I KNEW that I had heard from the Holy Spirit because I knew NOTHING about this agency and had only heard the name a handful of times. But, not only that, I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that we would have a "heart" baby and a "developmental delay" baby. These thoughts were so real, but I knew they hadn't come from me. When I went to google Wasatch, interestingly enough, I couldn't find ANY information on this agency.

I prayed for wisdom and told Jason not to be surprised if our daughter(s) end up with Wasatch. He thought we should just switch agencies now, especially since EVERYTHING seemed to be going wrong with our current agency, but for some reason, I didn't want to move until God directed me further.

How in the World Did God Send a Ladybug?

Three weeks after I prayed that God would send a ladybug when it was time for us to start adoption #2 and #3, His ladybug waited for me in my doctor's office.

I had called my doctor to schedule an appointment for that morning because I felt like there was a piece of glass embedded in my foot. They gave me two appointment options. Because it was snowing, I took the later appointment time, quickly finished up with breakfast and got ready to skadaddle.

While getting ready to get out the door, I felt very strongly that God said, "If you take the later appointment, you are going to miss out on your blessing." Okay, how many of you eat your breakfast and hear this? I picked up the phone and called them right back. I accepted the earlier appointment.

I got Gabriella in the van, but felt like God had said, "Don't forget your camera!" It was SO REAL, that I got out of my vehicle and prayed over it (I thought maybe I was going to be in a car accident or something due the heavy snow and ice). It sounds a bit awkward, but I couldn't really understand why I needed a camera for the doctor's office, but I went inside and got it anyway.

When we got to the doctor's office, we waited just a few minutes before going in. When I sat down in my particular room, there was a real live ladybug crawling on the wall just 3 feet from my eyeballs. I asked the gal how long the ladybug had been there... she told me it had been there a couple hours but she was planning to let her go shortly.

I ran to the car and grabbed the camera, documented the incident and bottled my bug to take more photos of when we got home. I now knew why I needed that camera. God cares about the littlest things... because He knows how important they are to us.

While my husband believed we should start our paperwork with or without the bug, he was kind enough to let me pray. I wanted him to know, as well as our family and friends, that we indeed had God's blessing. Those of you in the adoption world know that even your family and closest friends want to share their own opinions about YOUR FAMILY adopting, and many times, their opinions just don't line up with what you believe God is clearly directing you to do.

While hearing people's thoughts can be valuable, we have also learned that there are far more blessings when you seek the Lord and HIS WILL and follow HIS lead and direction.

We are blessed by this little ladybug today. She is the beginning to our next adoption journey to Amaris and her sister.

Now, the question is no longer, "When will we adopt?" But rather, "Which agency will help us bring both of our unknown daughters home?"

Lord, Send Us a Ladybug!

As Jason and I began the adoption process for our very first daughter, we KNEW we would eventually bring a second daughter home. But, as we began our paperwork May 1, 2009, we both felt that there might actually be a third daughter now. In fact, I felt like the Lord had even told me she would be our "gift". As we prayed that summer, we asked for a fourth daughter. The Lord confirmed her too. 

We want so desperately to start our adoption to the one we will call Amaris (which means: "God has promised"). Just a year ago, we were DTC (Dossier to China for Gabriella, November 2009). Gabriella came home July 2010.

Just three weeks prior to us leaving to get Gabriella, we had some significant changes in our life. In the natural, people aware of our circumstances, might think they we are "crazy" to adopt so soon. But, our hearts are telling us otherwise.  It seems as though the Lord has given us the go ahead to adopt Amaris and watch His miracles unfold. 

What would our family and friends say?

Three weeks prior to leaving for China, my mom passed away. As a result of her death, my husband and I began raising my sister's two boys that my mom had cared for, Jordan (17) and Corban (12). They joined our two biological children Kai (18) and Tyanna (16). A week after celebrating my mom's life on earth and her entry into Heaven, I lost my job of 11 years. While this was perhaps meant for evil, my husband and I had already decided two years earlier that I wouldn't be returning to work... so, this just happened to be more of a formality. I was already planning to give my notice.

We packed one final time and flew to China to pick up our waiting, special needs 3 1/2 year old daughter, Gabriella.

While these changes impacted our life, especially for the first 5 or 6 months following my mom's sudden death, I wanted our family and friends to know that God was still blessing our family with our upcoming adoptions. I wanted people to know that God was still on His throne and that even the recent changes in our life weren't going to change HIS heart for His orphans or our calling. We knew our heart hadn't been changed.

I prayed, even though we were in the dead of winter, that God would send me a real, live ladybug when HE felt it was time for us to start our adoption journey for our next two little ones.

I knew He was already restoring the hurt in our hearts, blending our new family together and blessing us for a new beginning. Now, we wait... we wait for the arrival of that ladybug. She will come... I am confident of it!